If it’s not OK, then it’s not the end yet….

If only I had known then what I know now.

Less than 24 hours after I wrote my last post, our world came tumbling in again.

We were asked to join a conference call with Ashlene and Michelle at 11 am on Friday, September 20^th.  Ashlene had actually called me on Thursday and wanted to do an update as soon as possible but insisted that Sam be with me when we talk.  I thought that was strange, but I never thought the worst could happen.  At 11:15 am, Michelle began the conversation with “This isn’t going to be happy news…..”

Julie had been going steadily downhill already but took a hefty turn for the worse a little over a week ago (directly into crazy-town).  When Michelle tried to get her to the hospital to have her checked, Julie started screaming that she wasn’t due until February and didn’t know why Michelle was forcing the issue.  The hospital took Julie’s word over Michelle’s and wouldn’t check Julie at all.  Julie got so out of control that she picked up a pile of paperwork and threw it at Michelle.  Then, Ms. Carlene (the lady running the home where Julie was staying) called Michelle and told her that Julie had brought a man over to the house and they’d locked themselves in the bathroom for a time.  Before Michelle could even continue, I knew where this was going and said just one word “drugs”.  Michelle agreed that we can only assume that’s what they were doing.  Also, if Julie had fallen into drugs that could explain the irrational and unexplainable behavior she’d been exhibiting more of recently.  Then, after all that, Julie ran away from Ms. Carlene’s home.  She called Michelle only once a few days after she was missing to tell her that she was fine but not coming back.  Michelle begged Julie to tell her where she was and that Michelle would come pick her up and help her.  Julie wouldn’t tell her where she was.

If Julie is found, Michelle will get her put into Adult Protective Services (basically, an insane asylum).  Due to Julie’s mental state, Michelle said that the courts wouldn’t deem her aware enough to sign off on any adoption paperwork, which means when the baby is born he’ll become property of the state of California, putting him into foster care…. the one thing we tried so hard to remove ourselves from.  Michelle made the decision that it would be best for us to cut our ties now and take the loss before it got any worse.  While I sat sobbing the “what if’s” and “what should have been’s,” I do know that Michelle’s choice was a wise one and probably the best one for us, in all honesty.  Besides the fact that it would have been so difficult, possibly impossible, to complete the adoption, our baby boy may have some extreme and very serious health and mental complications.  If Julie is schizophrenic (highly likely), that is genetic and in-curable.  Now, I am most sad just for him and his future, if he has a future at all.

Our contract is still good for another 3 years and 8 months.  They will begin searching immediately for another match for us.  Michelle said that they “cannot show favoritism when marketing families, but we will definitely be a priority.”  We did lose the money that be paid in for birthmother expenses but we will not have to pay another “match fee” once we are placed with another baby.

We do have a peace that passes all understanding.  Yes, we cried and yes, we are sad, but we are moving forward and we are doing ok.

And the journey begins again……. 

Update ~ good, bad or otherwise:

I have kept mostly quiet in my updates lately because I’d rather share good news or nothing at all – however, I know most of you are dying to hear something (which I feel the same way) so here is what I have to share.

From my last post, here are some of the issues we were/are having:

A little over 2 weeks ago, our Missouri attorney dropped our case and us as clients, out of the blue.  To add insult to injury, she informs us of this by a letter in the mail.  No phone call, no discussion.  After some investigation, she informed us that our case was “just not going to be possible”, that “Missouri law won’t allow this adoption (due to its unique circumstances)” and that she “just wasn’t willing to take that chance.”  Her advice was to either 1) back out or 2) finalize the adoption in California.  Obviously backing out is not an option for us so we began researching what it would take to finalize an adoption in California.  Let’s just say it is overwhelmingly difficult and would have involved so much more money that we just don’t have.  Attorney fees in California are approximately $10,000 for a general adoption (that is just the going rate for all attorneys there!).  When we realized this was not going to be acceptable either, we continue to research and pray for an answer.  We got in touch with one of the best local adoption attorneys in this area and after reviewing our case, he agreed to take on the challenge.  While he does agree that our case is unique and will pose some difficulties, he did not fear that he can’t make it happen.  He believes that our other attorney just does not have the adoption background/knowledge to take on our case and that she got cold feet when she encountered some of the obstacles we are running up against.  He doesn’t have any doubts that it can be finalized in Missouri and yes, there will be some hurdles we have to get across, but legally we should be ok.  Problem solved (kind of).

Our other issue is that Julie is being extremely difficult and uncooperative.  We’ve been extremely frustrated with our adoption reps because we haven’t been getting updates regularly, or at all, or when we do they aren’t very informative.  Over the last couple of days (by my persistence badgering), we’ve had multiple conversations with our adoption reps and they said that this is one of the harder(est) cases they’ve ever had to deal with.  I (somewhat jokingly) told them that Sam and I seem to attract anything that is hard, out-of-the-ordinary or downright difficult.  OH great!  Our rep said that the reason she hasn’t been updating us as we would like is because she just really wants to give us good news and in her mind, hearing nothing at all is better than hearing something negative.  However, to us, silence is just as nerve-racking as negative information and if we know all the details (even the negative ones) at least we’d have something specific to pray for.  I think we have reached a mutual, amicable, agreement now that we will get regular updates with good, bad or otherwise, no matter what.  Please pray that our reps stick to that promise.  We should be receiving a call from our California rep within the next couple of days.

Ok, now on to the other issues to pray for.  Julie is refusing to see the doctor and has walked out on her last 4 appointments.  She has not seen a doctor since early August now.  This is beginning to worry all of us and we would like to know that the baby is ok.  Michelle has at least felt the baby move and sees that Julie’s belly is growing, so in that aspect, we know he’s in there and alive.  There is also a big concern that Julie may have some mental health problems, but again, she won’t agree to get evaluated.  Some mental health problems can be hereditary, but we won’t know until we know what, if anything, she has.  Michelle has now had to put her foot down and tell Julie that if she doesn’t cooperate and go to the doctor and hold up her end of the agreement, then we were going to refuse to pay her next month’s expenses.  For lack of a better term, Julie isn’t going to get “free money” if she doesn’t play by their rules.  Up until now, despite Julie being uncooperative, she has never once expressed any change in her decision to follow through with the adoption (thankfully).  However, since the no money card has been thrown in, we are holding our breath and waiting to see the consequences.  Please pray that God breaks through Julie’s jumbled mind and clears her thoughts enough to see she needs to do what is best for the baby.  We need to know he’s ok!!!!  I need you all to begin praying for strength and peace for me, because, to be completely frank and honest, I don’t know if I am capable or up for the challenge of raising a special-needs child.  I know that sounds horrible, and I feel guilty even admitting it, but I want you all to pray especially for that.  Now, don’t misunderstand me, we don’t know that he is special-needs, but there is a possibility that he could be.  Simultaneously though, join me in praying for him to be completely healthy.  What a testimony he could be, of God’s power and protection, with all that he is enduring now!!  I need the strength to believe that God is capable of delivering him from this.  I KNOW God is capable, but believing it EVERY DAY, in spite of the mounting information I get that points otherwise, is so extremely hard.

If I seem bi-polar anytime over the next 6 weeks (more or less), just overlook it and forgive me anyway.  My emotions are thread-bare and I am doing my best to just hang on.  We have to be continually upbeat and positive in Eli’s presence and that is exhausting.  He is so excited to become a brother and if anything should happen…. I can’t even go there…. can’t imagine that.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE pray for God’s hand in all of this!  Pray for peace for everyone involved.  Pray for understanding for Julie.  Pray for patience with Julie.  Pray for baby’s health and safety.  Pray for our anxiety.  Pray for our legal matters.  Pray for answers.  Pray for strength.  Pray for faith.  Pray for the outcome of all of this.

I was given this quote by someone that understands and has been through adoption before:

“Everything will be ok in the end.  If it’s not ok, then it’s not the end yet.”

I have to believe that it’s true, my life and future depends on it.

Prayers needed

Ok, I am more writing this to get some thoughts off my heart than anything else. 

Adoption is NOT easy.  As far as I can tell, it is soooo much harder than being pregnant for 9 months, and it's definitely not without some serious pain and scars.  True, the pain and scars are emotional rather than physical, but sometimes it gets so bad that I physically hurt.  Those that say "oh, you're lucky" or "you took the easy road".... well, you've obviously never laid your heart out in the hands of someone else and waited for something to happen which you have NO control over.  You can't be there to make sure your baby is getting the correct nutrition, or be at every pre-natal visit, or ask all the scary questions you want to know answers to.  You can't feel a little heartbeat or see the ultrasound photo or talk to your baby.  All you know is that you are already desperately in love with a child that doesn't belong to you yet.

We are now approximately 7 1/2 weeks out from meeting our little guy.  But as of yesterday, we found that our adoption ran into not one, but two, bumps in the road.  And unfortunately, both of the upsetting information just happened to come on the same day... one gut punch, two gut punch.  I cannot go into details at this time, so I'm sorry for being vague.  We are going to be able to come up with a work-around one of the major bumps - though the solution is far from easy - but the other snag we have no control over and can't do anything about so it will just have to be committed to extreme prayer.  Once Baby gets here, if there are things we have to deal with, then so be it.

Until then, here is my prayer list.  I request that you join us in fervent prayer for these situations:

1. Julie's doctor report
2. That Julie's Medi-Cal goes through
3. Baby's health
4. For our upcoming fundraisers
5. That we'll be able to come up with all money needed in time
6. That our attorney(ies) with be able to come up with a workable solution for one of the "snags"
7. That Sam and I will be emotionally prepared for whatever comes our way in the following months
8. That Julie is able to heal from her past and move forward and make a better future for herself

That list is in no particular order.  It's just that my head is so jumbled right now that I can't actually put them in an order of "most important"... frankly, they are ALL most important right now.  That isn't even all of the items we pray for constantly, but those are the ones I can share.

On a lighter note, Sam and I are very close to finally picking out a name, though we aren't saying what it is at this time.  Eli kind of had his name picked for him (since it is derived from his birth name) so I don't remember it being difficult when choosing what it would be.  However, Baby's name has been a source of serious stress!!  A child is stuck with this name for life!  So much pressure!!! :)

Happy Birthday, Babe!

Happy 34^th birthday, Sam!  I thank God that He had plans for us when He created you.  I love you more each year and can’t imagine life without you.  I’m so looking forward to what this next year of our lives is bringing!  Thanks for being a constant support and companion.  Much love you to today and forever.

Also on my mind today is the birthday of our special little boy, Kenian.  Kiddo, I don’t know where you are or how you’re doing, but I’ve never forgotten you and think about you often.  I can’t believe you are 4 years old now.  It seems just yesterday we celebrated your 1^st with you. 

Love you always ~ Happy Birthday.

Labor Day Camping

Friday, August 30^th through Monday, September 2^nd we had our annual family camping trip to Roaring River.  Gramma, Papa, Amanda, Lee, Sam, Eli and I all stayed at our “tent compound” in site 148.  The weather was fairly cooperative, although we did get our one day of rain (ALWAYS!) and it just so happened that it rained all day on my birthday.  Regardless, we still had a good time and lots of fun.  The last of our memories before baby boy joins our clan….

"skipping" rocks with Mommy and Papa

The 3 biggest kids were crawdad hunting!

Eli had a critter-keeper full of crawdads and a mudpuppy that Papa caught.

The poor mudpuppy kept Eli entertained for a loooong time!

Nap time was hard because it was so hot but Daddy made the best of the shade and a hammock.

Bath time!!

As you can see, being outside really bother Eli.... ha ha.

Just precious!

Trouble!  Kiddo is showing off his trout tatoo....

Up hill, Down hill, Up hill, Down hill..... again and again and again.....

Eli didn't even make it out of the park before he fell asleep. :)

Gardening “au-natural”

I’d just given Eli a haircut in the garage and he had hair all over his clothes, so we stripped him and told him to head to the house.  He got easily side-tracked though, and decided he was going to use this time to garden imaginary tomato plants in my flower pot.  Needless to say, at times like these, I’m glad that we live far out in the country!